#82 - I wish my wife knew how meaningful her words to others about me are

Joey Odom (00:00):

We have this amazing opportunity to champion our spouses to everybody we meet. If I think about the, I'll be by Edwin McCain, if you remember that back in the nineties, I'll be your crying shoulder. I'll be loves. Don't make me sing it. I'm

Mistye Wilson (00:15):

Not going to, but it would be good. We would all love

Joey Odom (00:17):

It. The last line in the chorus is I'll be the greatest fan of your life. Yes. And I didn't understand it when it came out. I thought he should have said the greatest man in your life. But you think, what if I have chills saying this right now? What if our spouses said, my husband, my wife is my greatest fan? Oh my gosh, how great would that feel? So what if we could be that greatest fan? What if we could be such a champion for our spouses? Welcome back to the Aro podcast. Hey, it's your good friends, Joey Odom and Misty Wilson. Mistye, the wife of Ro Co-founder Heath Wilson. And we are here for my favorite time of the month for I wish my spouse knew. And I say that very specifically. Usually I wish my husband knew we're turning it around. Switch it, twist it upside down, and it's, I wish my wife knew Misty. Will you explain to the listener what they have stumbled upon here? Just generally what is, I wish my spouse knew time of the month.

Mistye Wilson (01:23):

Like it or not, you have stumbled into sometimes some very awkward moments, but it's just you and me talking about, usually it's me talking about something that I wish my husband, your partner in crime for Ro what I wish that he knew. And sometimes it gets a little personal and you got to be a little transparent, which is awkward. But it's fun. It's fun.

Joey Odom (01:49):

And the reason why you have to explain things is because it's hard to guess what the other person's thinking. Right.

Mistye Wilson (01:56):

It's a little bit tricky. It's a little bit difficult. It always has been. It's so weird.

Joey Odom (02:00):

Yeah, it is so weird. And we want to start the conversation. I know we remind you every time of this, but this really is the purpose. We want to start this conversation for people out there to have these conversations with their spouses. So for you to say, Hey, what Joey said was kind of dumb. What Mistye said was kind of smart. That's normally the response, but you'll just figure out, Hey, this is true for me. I really related to this. I feel seen here. Or you know what, that's not really true for me. Figure that out. This is the beginning of a conversation for us to remove that first 50% of bringing up a conversation. And if something has been bothering you, ruminating on it, then give yourself a chance to talk about it. Last time I was with us, when I led, this was I guess two months ago, I talked about the power of words with, and I believe, if I can remember correctly, I wish my wife knew how much weight her words carry.

(03:00):

So I want to amend that just a teeny just a touch and I'm going to add something to it. So that was really about, I wish my wife knew how much weight, her words carry to me the things she says to me. And as a reminder to the listener, Mistye has no idea what I'm about to bring up. So I'm prepared she's not. And so we're going to kind of dissect this. So again, last time I wish my wife knew how much weight her words carry to me. This time I wish my wife knew how much weight her words carry about me. So in the first, I just saw a good reaction from Mistye. I

Mistye Wilson (03:39):

Think I know you're good with

Joey Odom (03:40):

This in the first one, it's the things you say to me. And this as a husband, as a Joey, not a baby kangaroo as just as a Joey. Joey as Joey. This is important to me is the things that Kristen says about me to her friends, things she says about me to our kids when I'm not in the room, when I'm nowhere close the things she says about me. It's really important to me. It is. I told Heath just before we started recording, I said, oh Mistye, let me tell you what we're going to talk about today. He goes, oh, this is a hot button for mis E. Yeah, he thinks it's a hot button. He says it's a hot button in a good way. He says, this is something for you. And I'll go in on it and then I'll let you start. It is very common.

(04:28):

And actually one reason why I'm really happy, I would say the last episode Kristen and I have really had to work on with the things that she says to me, just how much weight they carry. And she's gotten so good at it. She has always been good on this one. And the way that she talks about me to her friends, it is very common. And I want you to take us to this scene. It's very common for a bunch of wives to sit around and gripe about their husbands. Absolutely. Will you tell me about what those moments are like? It's

Mistye Wilson (04:58):

Like a bunch of hens just man, we get going. It's just pecking and popping. And for us, we're digesting things together. We're processing things together. It's almost like, does your husband do this? Do they do this? Do they say this? You're almost wanting to get with other women like-minded women and talk about is this normal or can I gripe to somebody about this?

Joey Odom (05:24):

But you are, you're very good about not, and there are a couple of distinctions, maybe we should break this down. It is one thing to sit with a friend and say, I'm feeling very frustrated about this right now. It's another thing to sit around with 15 women, some of whom you don't know, drinking glasses of wine and just saying like, oh, blah, blah, blah. And then just getting into that was my woman impression. Sorry. And getting into it and really kind of just trashing it just becomes a trash fest. Will you tell us about the difference there?

Mistye Wilson (05:58):

Yeah, there is a difference. I think, and Heath knows I've got my one best friend that I tell her almost everything, but it's not ever everything. It's not because my husband and my relationship is our relationship and it's ordained, it's ours. So that's something that's very private. With some friends, I've slid them. I've said, what? Well, when I said this, guess what he'd said. And then we all start laughing and then we move on. But it's not burying him. And I do know women that can bury their husbands in a conversation. It's not attractive, I think. Well, I know right before Heath and I got married, I was at one of my showers and a good friend of mine, a teacher friend of mine, elk Monaghan, she had written, was something with advice, you do these showers. And so all of the women wrote me good advice for a marriage. And she said it was something to the effect of don't speak unkindly about your husband to others. And wow, that one hit. And I forever after reading that, I did think, gosh, we're not supposed to talk bad about each other behind each other's backs unless we talk face to face about it. There's never anything that I've told another woman that I haven't said it to Heath first.

(07:28):

He may do something and just like, are you serious right now? Did this happen? And I may share what he said and we get a good giggle, but it's not bearing him. And I do think, and I know that I speak more highly of him always where it is taken as, look how funny this is.

Joey Odom (07:56):

And for me, I'm trying to think about, I guess there are a couple of different ways, and I'm thinking about this topic. One of them is I want to be careful not to tell a woman what to do in this. You know what I mean? That is not my place to tell a woman what to do. And I have some what I believe are reasons why it's not smart to do this. But the other side of it I think that's really important is I'm telling my perspective of why it's important to me. And one of those reasons is if that gets back around, that is so hurtful to me as to hear that, by the way, for anybody. I mean third party, the same for

Mistye Wilson (08:38):

A woman.

Joey Odom (08:38):

Yeah. Third party. And this does go both ways by the way. And so I'm saying it from my perspective, maybe I'll say it for maybe I will tell the guys what to do here. I feel like I can say that. And the beginning part of it is everybody knows this. The third party feedback, whenever you hear somebody, it's one thing for me to tell you what to do. It's another thing for you to hear it from somebody else, a third party expert or something like that. And the same thing works when it comes to feedback. If I heard that or if Kristen heard that I was sitting around with a bunch of guys and I was saying me and disparaging things better, if she heard that from somebody that would crush her in a way that's multiple times greater than if I were to say that thing directly to her.

Mistye Wilson (09:22):

1000000%, yes.

Joey Odom (09:23):

Because then you've heard the unadulterated feedback of what they actually think. Because we guard each other, we're in person because we have empathy and we don't want to, you see someone's face the look of pain on somebody's face. You don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. So I would say that's one reason why it would. And I think it's funny, I laughed to myself also last month, two months ago, topic and mine here. It really is. It does show, makes me realize how much words are meaningful to me and how powerful the words are. And that's not just to me for a lot of people. So I do understand that maybe I'm just a little bit overly sensitive. But

Mistye Wilson (09:59):

You are such a sensitive guy. I

Joey Odom (10:01):

Am a little sensitive guy.

Mistye Wilson (10:02):

I know sometimes when I come in and I talk to you things about I wish my husband knew, I want to link arms and be like, right Joey, don't we wish our spouses knew so many times that we agree on things. I do think that Kristen and Heath sometimes are a lot of liking things and that we're on the other side of it. But that's great, Joey. It's a softness about you. That's really,

Joey Odom (10:24):

It's great. Yeah. Certain femininity. Yeah. That's so appealing. Now I am a feeler. I'm definitely a feeler. You are. I know. But that would crush anybody to hear that third party feedback from somebody else. And so I mean, my beginning caution is just not doing that around friends, not participating in that. And I think you can actually begin to set a culture and a tone because there are ways about it that I'm not going away from just the light teasing and that kind of thing. Of course, when you start and you've heard it before, dogging, when you really start dogging, that can be really, really painful. And I think when you go a layered deeper, why are people in that situation? And we're talking more about the trash and we're talking about the dogging, I believe, and I'm curious as you've been in these rooms where this has happened, I believe it begins with a very legitimate hurt, very legitimate frustration that they're dealing with. They have not properly processed.

Mistye Wilson (11:25):

Yes. Or they haven't properly spoken with their husband about it or don't know how to speak to their husband about it. But you're right, it is something that's hurtful and probably been hurtful for quite a while where the wife just, that's how she associates her husband is with that attitude or character or personality or just finding that negative in him. And that's how she sees him. I think women are different than men in that we we're usually better communicators than men. So it is easier for women to go and come to the other one with an issue that's going on. And I think that's important to do. So I do think that there are women that are crying for help and they really don't know how to go about it except to talk to a friend or close friends. So while I'm hearing you say, don't do it, and I know what you're talking about, I know the kind of talk that you're talking about.

(12:34):

And then there is some talk, and it shouldn't be discussed with a group of women, but there is something to be said about a woman speaking with a trusted woman that so that, for example, if Kristen and I went to lunch together and I'm super frustrated about heath or she's super frustrated about you, and so we start getting worked up and this is what's going on and I'm so upset. I'm angry. And you go to that friend and it needs to be a friend who's going to speak truth into you and to call you out when you need to be called out. If you're speaking negatively about your husband, you want to do it with someone who looks back at you and says, okay, I hear you, but let me tell you what his side might be.

Joey Odom (13:30):

Yeah, that's

Mistye Wilson (13:30):

Right. And then let's try to figure this out together because I know you love each other. Don't go to that friend who's going to dog your husband with you. Yeah, that's right. That's not a friend.

Joey Odom (13:41):

And I think that women are so much better at doing that. I actually think, and this is where it's kind of a thin line between the two, because I think what you just described is a vital part of being married, that you have somebody who is like-minded with you, who's going to speak truth to you, who's going to empathize with you, who's going to hear you out, but then also help talk you through it. And I think that women are a lot better than guys are. And I think it's very important for guys to be able to do that with each other. Sometimes guys may not even have the words for it, or maybe not the willingness or the openness, the vulnerability to be able to open up and say, hey, or at least get to the core of it for got to be able to sit down and be like, I'm struggling with this and she's really frustrating me with this and this is a hard time. I don't know many guys that do that. And gosh, how helpful would that be? That would be great for them to do.

Mistye Wilson (14:38):

It would be very helpful. Yeah. I mean, I could see you and Heath having a deep conversation about your wives, and to a certain extent it wouldn't bother me at all because first of all, you're a covenant friend. Well, sure. I mean, come on. So you're family almost. There's a weird, even more so because we chose each other to be friends with. So I would want Heath to go to you if there's something that he really, really struggled with how to go about telling me. I think the key thing is that he's going to come to me and talk to me about it and hopefully that it even says, Hey, I talked to Joey and he said this and it kind. I'm thinking maybe he's right. And how do you feel? And not just him saying something that I'm doing around the house, that I'm a slob in the kitchen. That's mean. Okay. It could be true. Maybe my closet especially. But you didn't need tell people. It's rude.

Joey Odom (15:42):

Should see my closet. It's so bad.

Mistye Wilson (15:44):

I know. It is. It's so bad. Oh my

Joey Odom (15:46):

Gosh. Yeah. We're the

Mistye Wilson (15:46):

Same here. We're here.

Joey Odom (15:48):

It's funny you say that because I had the exact same thought. I was imagining you and Kristen out to lunch. I could listen. I guarantee you guarantee you I could listen. And this one reason is because Kristen is very direct and she is open about stuff that if we have an issue, I know about it in a good way. Usually in a good way. Mostly in a good way. Yeah, in a good way. It is in a very, very, very good way. I could listen to a transcription or read a transcription or I could listen to a recording of your lunch. Nothing there would shock me. Correct.

(16:19):

And it's one because I know her, but two, because I know your relationship. I know you actually wouldn't stand and be like, hold on one second. That's a little much there. And I do think for the guys listening, when you have those, it will be easy to guys are not as good about speaking that counter truth sometimes and just been like, hold on just a second. And encouraging you to do that. But one reason why I think this is really, really important for people to listen to is sometimes we will say things in the moment. We'll say things that frustrate me, but what you don't realize is that is completely shaping the other person's view of your spouse.

Mistye Wilson (17:02):

Exactly.

Joey Odom (17:03):

That is their brand new lens. And this happens all the time. So one of my very, very close friends, Doug Adams, Doug at our church, Doug is just an absolute, so Doug best. So he introduced me once to a guy named Price. Price is a super, super guy. And Doug said, he goes, price is the most optimistic person I've ever met in my life, and I've met price. And I know that's true and I've spent time with him. I know it's true. However, just by him saying that, that is my automatic filter. So I naturally believe it because he was introduced as that. And what a cool thing that really is my true filter for the type of person prices. Now, it would take a lot to overcome that. So the opposite is very, very true. When we say a certain thing, our spouse that is completely shaping the lens that that person will view that person through. And it could just be a momentary feeling. You don't want to shape that for them. I'm sure you've heard this. There are stories of people who are going through rough patches in their marriages that where they will go vent to a lot of people about those things. And then those people kind of burn the bridge. Then the people get back together and then the friends can't be friends with them again. I don't know if that made any sense

Mistye Wilson (18:16):

There. You can't see 'em any difference.

Joey Odom (18:17):

Yeah, because all you

Mistye Wilson (18:18):

See all the ugly Yes, yes. And so even, gosh. So it's, oh, holy moly. Yeah. So I've known a couple before that with his parents. He told all the things about his spouse, all the things that were going on. And so the great news is, is that even his parents were loving, loving people. And so they still loved the wife, but at the same time they knew all the ways that she had hurt him. That's your baby. I don't care if he's 35 years old, that's still their kid and he's living with someone who's crushing his dreams. So in a marriage, it would have been more beneficial for him to, even though he trusts his parents so much, and I know that he was going to them in confidence, but man, it really ruined from there on out, that whole triangle of a relationship. And that's a bust.

Joey Odom (19:24):

Well, particularly in that situation, that person, if they had kids, all of a sudden it's his parents. His parents need to probably maintain as much as they can, loving feelings towards the mother of their grandchildren.

Mistye Wilson (19:42):

And they do.

Joey Odom (19:43):

And that's really, really hard. So I'll make the direct statement. I think we can go ahead and say it. And again, everybody figure out this is true for yourself. I'll just say to the guys, guys, don't go whine to your mama about your wife.

Mistye Wilson (19:56):

Don't do that. Just

Joey Odom (19:57):

Don't.

Mistye Wilson (19:58):

Please don't. Just as

Joey Odom (19:59):

A rule, go find somebody else. Don't go cry to your mom about your wife.

Mistye Wilson (20:03):

Yes. And ladies, don't go to your daddy and tell her all the things about what your husband's doing wrong.

Joey Odom (20:11):

Now this is again, let's exclude. Let's exclude illegal, immoral, abusive. We can exclude all that. Absolutely. Go top to that. I say

Mistye Wilson (20:20):

Air those things out to the world as fast as you can. Yeah,

Joey Odom (20:22):

Exactly. We're talking about leaving avocado on the dishes. Right?

Mistye Wilson (20:27):

Right. Yeah. Your socks under the couch. That's what we're talking about. Yeah.

Joey Odom (20:30):

Right. Yeah. Don't go whining. It's just, it creates a weird dynamic that's in it. And it's funny you say that. I saw the kind of light go on for you and it went on for me right after. I hadn't even considered the fact of telling your parents about your spouse. It's just a bad practice.

Mistye Wilson (20:45):

It's a really bad practice.

Joey Odom (20:47):

And it's easy. It is easy. Especially if you

Mistye Wilson (20:49):

Have a Yeah, because most of us really love our parents and we tell 'em a lot of things. But yeah,

Joey Odom (20:56):

I'll go to two. Well, just staying on the lens for a moment. I was thinking about when we talked about this last time, I said that the words that you speak to your husband, you create the reality. You create the man that you want by saying, so if you say to your husband, oh, you're always so patient with the kids, you're probably creating somebody who's going to be patient to their kids. So you create that reality. You create a reality about your husband to himself. In this case, you are creating a reality about your husband to others. So just know the words that you have. They're going to shape that reality about the way that other people perceive him. And that in the moment may feel gratifying. And again, we're talking about the trashing here, but in the moment, on the other side of it, you may not want that.

(21:46):

The other side to that on, we talked about saying to your parents, this is one you got to be really careful about. And again, Kristen's great about not doing this, especially as your kids get older. This is really important is you can't let your kids under the tents on this one. You can't. It is very unhealthy. It creates a reality about your spouse to your kids that you don't want. And this, I think we could say, I would be curious your opinion on this. We're talking about the trashing and to your friends, certainly don't trash your spouse to your kids, but don't even say not even the confiding in your kids. That may be even worse. That creates some weird emotional entanglements. I

Mistye Wilson (22:38):

Know. It's putting too much pressure on 'em. Yeah, that's too much. Right? Yeah, it is. I'll say where we are in our age group, kids are moving on, they're getting older. And that's when more divorces happen because a lot of times people look at each other and say, we've done this for our kids. We stayed together. Let's stop the charade. And then they move on. So in that, I do know, I know the opposite of what their spouse is doing, and I know what they are doing. So in both cases, the people that I know don't talk adult divorce, talk to your kids, that is still their parent. And so you want for your daughter and her dad to always be as close as they can be. Again, under the umbrella of safety and respect.

(23:40):

We're not talking about the extremes right now. And I know how hard it is for each of those people in this newly divorced situation where they know their spouse is dogging them. They know and they know when their kids come back to them that their kid is a totally different kid and looks at 'em differently. And then they have to reel 'em back in and say, I'm sorry that the other parents said that to you. I know that was hurtful. And then just try to talk around it. And trying so desperately not to talk poorly of that ex spouse that's talking bad about you. And I know that's not in a marriage or anything, but it can get to that extreme even in a marriage. That's right. That one parent can be dogging. The other one, it's just not right. It's not fair to the kid.

Joey Odom (24:32):

It's not, and again, I am speaking out of school when it gets to that situation in divorce, but that just can't be good for the sake of your kids. They don't need it. Again, if you're in that case and it's gotten that toxic, I would advocate for going and trashing that person to somebody else before your kids. That's got to be the last kid, the last person that should hear it. And maybe just to touch on it one more, just one more time, maybe to underscore this on confiding in your kids about marriage frustrations. That's not for your kid either. You know what I mean? And I do think that that's probably, especially if you have a very close relationship with your kid, especially you have an emotional connection with your kid, especially if your kid maybe even resembles you emotionally. It would be easy to do that. Gianna, my sweet 14-year-old, she and I are built the exact same emotionally and it would be easy to share frustrations and that kind of thing. It's just not, and even, I'll be honest, it's tempting to do

Mistye Wilson (25:34):

That. Yeah, I know.

Joey Odom (25:36):

I don't know why, but I'm sure, I mean, you and Reese are so close. Oh my

Mistye Wilson (25:38):

Gosh, yes. We are like little buddies and it is, I know that she's heard me give out a sigh of, but honestly, it's usually something I've done. But at the same time, she knows that she knows that her dad and my husband, we believe he hung the moon. Really?

Joey Odom (26:05):

Yeah. Her dad and your husband, to be clear, are the same person. It

Mistye Wilson (26:08):

For the listener. It's the same person. One and the same. Yes,

Joey Odom (26:14):

It is. Yeah, exactly. And it's easy to do that. And probably even we tease a lot in a fun way in our house. I probably need to just keep an eye on that too. I know it's easy to, I mean, it's kind of fun, but you do

Mistye Wilson (26:28):

Well because teasing has a little bit of truth to it. Yeah. Sometimes. Yeah.

Joey Odom (26:34):

It can be used passive aggressively. It definitely can. And so yeah, I need to watch that. Don't want, the last thing you want is for your spouse to, through a series of teasing for your spouse to become the unknowing jester. I think that is easy to do. Me too. Pointing out the idiosyncrasies, which again, I think I'm processing out loud as I'm saying this, is that I think the teasing can be a passive aggressive way to do it. And before long that becomes the culture in your home. And then before long, it's just a nonstop gang up on your spouse. I feel convicted right now. Right?

Mistye Wilson (27:21):

Yeah. I know. Even

Joey Odom (27:24):

With teasing, right? Even with the teasing and that kind of stuff is the, I don't know, it kind of feels a little bit if you're using it and you have to be honest with yourself. If you're using it as a little tool, if passive aggressiveness, it feels a little bit gratifying in the moment because you're cutting somebody else down even ever so slightly. But you have the deniability of it being a joke. I'm just joking, joking. I'm just kidding. Kidding. But hold on. I mean, again, I'm a little convicted right now. Kristen has, Kristen grew up in Buffalo. She has everything. When she says a short a Allen sounds like Allen Allen. And it's just simple. And especially Josh Allen is the quarterback for the buffalo bills, and we love the bills in our home. She'll say, Josh Allen, and I've noticed the kids, we all kind of dart our eyes at each other and we'll start giggling. And she has said, she goes, I don't like it when you joke about

Mistye Wilson (28:18):

That. Oh, okay. Then when you just stop. I know. Just full stop.

Joey Odom (28:22):

Harrison Gianna. I know you're listening. We got to stop. We got to quit. Yeah. That's not Okay. Sorry. I'm having a moment of conviction here.

Mistye Wilson (28:32):

Well, I'm having this thought right now. When we're talking to one another, I feel like I forget that we're recorded. I know. It's like, are people following us? Because I am with you. I know what we're talking about. I'm also wondering, are people with us? I know. That's

Joey Odom (28:48):

A great question. I hope you heard.

Mistye Wilson (28:49):

I hope so. I really do. Because man, I'm just, I see it. Yeah. We have jokes. Yes, we all do. We have a joke about our spouse with the kids that's just kind of like, well, that's what dad does, or that's what mom does. So I want to remind all of us, if something bothers you, tell the other one, thank goodness that Kristen looked at you, and now if you keep it up. Yeah, that's true. That's on you. That's right. And then you're being a jerk that so Right. And if you don't stop your kids from doing it, you're also being a jerk because at this point, you've been told that you've been told, so be done.

Aro Customer (29:38):

I don't know when it started, maybe two years ago, probably one of these little Roomba type of remotes that's from an old one that's broken. And she started tooling around the house with it. And look, I'm on my phone and it's innocent. I think she just wants to imitate mom and dad. But then you remember she's imitating mom and dad. Right, exactly. And that was something, that's something that definitely called our attention to this is now a presence in our home. And even if we didn't wrestle with it right away, we did notice it with that. But now the funny thing is she'll put her little remote in the box with us too. It's cute, it's wholesome. And it shows that, I think the thing about whether it's technology, phones, what have you, our kids hear us say a billion words a day to them, and it's going in one ear out the other, most of it. And that's just true. And that's life. It's our actions that really speak. And so to see her join in on the action shows me that she's seeing us model different behavior and that will be meaningful to her in the long run as hopefully she develops good habits with these things.

Joey Odom (30:42):

We love hearing stories from the Aro community. The one you just heard actually comes from our voices of Aro episodes where I sit down with Aro members and they share about their stories and their lives with ro. Make sure to check out the voices of Aro episodes, and if you're a member who would like to share your own story with ro, please email us@storiesatgoro.com. I'll say one more thing before I move to the positive side of this is whenever, and again, for the millionth time, sorry to repeat myself, this is just, we're talking about the trashing. When you're trashing somebody, and Andy Stanley, we talk about Andy a lot on this, who's just given such great nuggets of wisdom. He says the watch out for the saying always and never. Yes. Oh, oh, he always does this. She always does. She never does this. She always, yes.

(31:29):

Watch your, it's when you just shut down. Yes, exactly. You got to watch your always and nevers because it's rarely, rarely true. So be really careful about using those. But what tends to happen when you're trashing somebody, and when you're using these overgeneralizations, what tends to happen is all you're doing, it's almost like having a feeling that you fully trust, which again, you can't fully trust feelings. You got to feel, I know. It's just, just reinforcing what you believe and it just makes what you believe is more true. Dr. Becky, Dr. Becky Kennedy, who's who wrote Good Inside, who's just brilliant. She talks about having the most generous interpretation calls, MGI. It's usually for your kids, your kid lashes out, be like, okay, well, what's the MGI? What's the most generous interpretation? Okay, well, they're frustrated and maybe they got picked on at school. And it's the same for your spouse. If we can shift this, we talk a lot about this in our house, is having that MGI for your spouse instead of the always, never be like, well, maybe there's something there. And then being able to have that and then not just reinforcing in your own mind these narratives you have about your spouse that are negative.

Mistye Wilson (32:42):

Two things that I'm thinking as you're talking. And people either listen to talk or they listen to listen. I promise I'm listening to listen. So as a conversation. But then I think of something doing, and I'm like, wait a minute. So one thing is I love it when Heath comes home from being somewhere, whether he is gone for three days or two hours, and he comes home and he says, I just met so-and-so they can't wait to meet you. They are so excited about meeting you. And my initial thought, which I think is probably true, is that he spoke so highly of me that that's why they can't wait to meet me, is because he said so many great things. And I have met people before that when they shake my hand and were introduced and they're like, oh, we've heard so much about you. It's so good to meet you. And I think the only way that they knew to be that excited about meeting me is that my husband spoke that highly of me, which is pretty amazing.

Joey Odom (33:42):

Okay. I love that. And I want to segue into a takeaway for that. So good. And this is the positive. This is the opportunity, and we didn't plan this at all, but you said it so brilliantly there is that we have this amazing opportunity to champion our spouses to everybody we meet that we can. What if I think about, I won't sing it, but I'm sure you've sung this to the top of your, I'm not going to the, I'll be by Edwin McCain, if you remember that back in the nineties. I'll be your crying shoulder. I'll be loves. Don't make me sing it, but I'm not going

Mistye Wilson (34:20):

To. But it would be good. We would all love

Joey Odom (34:22):

It. The last line of the chorus is, I'll be the greatest fan of your life. Yes. And I didn't understand it when it came out. I thought he should have said the greatest man in your life. Yes. But you think, what if I have chills saying this right now? What if our spouses said, my husband, my wife is my greatest fan? Oh my gosh. Well, how great would that feel? So what if we could be that greatest fan? What if we could be such a champion for our spouses that when we're talking to our kids like, oh, you know what I love about your mom? Oh, I love your mom is so funny. Or when we're talking to somebody else like, oh, what if, oh, she's just so great. Oh, you hate, and I have heard Heath, by the way, oh, Mistye, she's the funniest. She's, she's the center of attention. Every room she walks in, he does it all the time.

Mistye Wilson (35:07):

And then they make me, and they're like, W

Joey Odom (35:12):

What if we could be, this is the other side. If the third party feedback we say about somebody is so powerful and it's so hurtful and it's so detrimental if it's negative, how good would that feel for your marriage if you heard from somebody else? I heard my dad. This gives me misty eye thinking about it. No pun intended, Mistye. But someone, he met somebody, and I was talking to her and she goes, oh, I met your dad the other day. She goes, it was so sweet what he said as he was talking about me, he said, oh, Joey, it's just like he was dipped in honey. Isn't that the sweetest thing that he said about me to somebody else with no idea that that would come back. But how great does that feel?

Mistye Wilson (36:00):

It does feel good. And then you can think in your mind, I've been dipped in Honey man.

Joey Odom (36:05):

And that's your truth. Look at me. That's so frigging sweet. Look at me. Exactly. I know. Look at all this

Mistye Wilson (36:07):

Honey dripping off of me,

Joey Odom (36:11):

People walking up with toast just to rub it on my skin. Get some of that honey on. I get it. So think about that. And so we have this, you can almost game this in a way, in a good way. What if we could go do that? That's going to get back around to them. We just start dropping little nuggets, just little honey droplets everywhere on people saying about the people that we love. Oh gosh, Kristen's so great. She talked to Kristen. She's great that, oh, Harrison, God, what a great respect for Gianna's. Just so beautiful and funny. And so then when they hear that, that's going to go a million times farther than you saying it's them directly.

Mistye Wilson (36:49):

Yeah, it will. And I think when we've got negative things that we put on that person in our family, spouse, or kids, I think, and I'm hearing myself now, find something that they're amazing at and keep drilling that to other people.

Joey Odom (37:08):

It's like, you read my freaking mind sometimes. Well, I do. Yes. Yeah.

Mistye Wilson (37:12):

I don't know if you need, but it just goes right across it right

Joey Odom (37:15):

There. Yeah. Say what you said again because it's so good.

Mistye Wilson (37:17):

Yeah. If there's something about your spouse or your kids that's just kind of makes you feel stabby, you're mad, you don't like something about that person, find the thing or a couple of things that kid or that spouse does great. And then just constantly talk about that instead of the other.

Joey Odom (37:39):

You can have your, and this is going to feel a little bit formulaic or concocted, but you can have your talking points on your spouse and on your kids. Find what are the, and this is the homework, and I'm going to do this. Let's find our one or two things about everybody in your family, about your kids and your spouse. What are your one or two things when people say, oh, tell me about your spouse. You have those one or two things. And you say, I love that. Isn't that good? That's good. And so then what you're doing is you are going and creating a reality about them to everybody around them. So when somebody meets them, they're going to immediately expect that that's who they are.

Mistye Wilson (38:16):

Or they shake the hand of my son or my daughter, and then they say, oh my gosh, your mom says that you're such a great speaker. And then they can totally talk about that. And that makes that kid, now he has something to talk about. Yeah, exactly. He loves speaking, right? Yeah.

Joey Odom (38:31):

And then I think next level is think through what's important to them. Think through what's important to them first, and then you can create the talking points around that. So if I know that for Gianna that volleyball is important to her, so if I just with one of my things, and this is true, she is a great volleyball player. If I can say, if I can just help, oh, Gianna is such a great volleyball player. She's so aggressive and she dives for every ball and then all that kind stuff. When they hear that from somebody else, they will become more like that thing that is important to

Mistye Wilson (39:02):

Them. They will, yeah. I love, how do we do it? How do we do it? How do we do it? Every month, we just come around to the end and we're looking at each other like aha moments at the wazoo. That's

Joey Odom (39:13):

Right. I know, man. It's just powerful. It's just

Mistye Wilson (39:18):

Worth changing. It's

Joey Odom (39:19):

Changing the world. That's all. Gosh, that's good. I think that this is very convicting for me, and there's a little bit conviction, but there's also, I'm very excited about having these couple things, having my talking points. I

Mistye Wilson (39:37):

Do love

Joey Odom (39:37):

That talking point is not false, but real talking points.

Mistye Wilson (39:41):

And not to backtrack at all, but when someone asks, well, tell me about Gianna. And if you fault her for a little bit and you're like, oh, let's see. Well, that might speak some volumes right there. Yeah, exactly. So just to have our list of things that we would say about each kid,

Joey Odom (39:58):

And then it's just going to, that reality will come true. It will manifest itself.

Mistye Wilson (40:02):

Yeah.

Joey Odom (40:04):

It's

Mistye Wilson (40:04):

Terrific. This is so great. This is great.

Joey Odom (40:06):

This is fun.

Mistye Wilson (40:06):

Awesome. I don't know if anybody else got anything out of it, but I sure

Joey Odom (40:09):

Did. I know from you. Yeah, right. You lit it up. You did

Mistye Wilson (40:11):

It. Thanks, Joey. Thank you. Yeah,

Joey Odom (40:14):

Gang. I feel very hopeful and excited. I do. I said to Mistye, I feel a little bit convicted. This is something I know I can get good at. I'm laughing at myself because it's like, I wish my wife knew, oh, let me give my wife some advice. And all of a sudden, Mistye shined a mirror on me there and saw the opportunity I have for myself. So maybe a couple takeaways. The first one is, let's be really careful about the words that we're saying, the reality we're creating about our kids and our spouse by what we're saying about them to others. Watch yourself in those crowds where it's natural for it to be kind of a trash session on spouses. Again, I think, like we said, the one-on-one, the confiding in somebody who's a trusted friend. That's much different. We're not talking about that. Be careful in those.

(41:05):

And by the way, you can either get out of that or you can create a new culture. You can set the tone. You can be a thermostat, not a thermometer. So I think that's one. The other one, and this is just my favorite and big props, optimistic for this, on what are the things that we say? What are the one or two things we say? So take 10 minutes personally on your own and think through the people in your family. Think through the things that are true about them that are great. Think about the things that are important to them and jot down those couple things. And just when people say, Hey, tell me about your daughter. Hey, tell me about your spouse. Tell me about your wife. Tell about your husband. You have those things on the ready that's going to create such a cool reality about who your spouse is, who your partner is, who your kids are.

(41:49):

And then the third thing, we say this every month, and I really, really mean it. Send this episode to your spouse and then set aside time to talk about it. Take some notes. Go have some wine on the back porch. Go out to dinner. We talk about having Yu Me phone free little oomph time. Have a little yu me phone free time and just talk about it together. Figure out what's true for you. Be open, be vulnerable. Hopefully we've broken the ice for you on that vulnerability and openness. So thank you for joining us. This was fun. We can't wait to see you again next month on A Wish My Spouse Knew, and we can't wait to see you again next week. The Aro podcast. The Aro podcast is produced and edited by the team at Palm Tree Poco. Special thanks to Emily Miles and Kaitlyn Kring for media and digital support, and to executive producers, Anthony Palmer of Palm Tree Poco, and the Prince of the Low Country Tides himself. Rich Denel of Aro.

‍