#79 - Voices of Aro: A couple's journey to reclaim family time

Joey Odom (00:03):

Welcome back to the Aro podcast. Hey, it's your good friend, Joey Odom, co-founder of ro, and I'm so glad you're here and you're about to be so glad you're here when you hear my conversation on Voices of Aro with Abby and Brian McIntyre. So this is the first for us on Voices of Aro. This is our first couple to join, and I think you're going to like it because very often in relationships, especially when it comes to tech and kind of managing that within the home, very often it's one of us. It's the husband, it's the wife, it's just one of the partners. This you're going to hear from two people who are aligned on this topic. And what I would love for you to do is send this to your spouse for them to listen to see what it's like when partners are aligned on this, and you're going to hear why at the very end they talk about their six-year-old daughter, Hadley and Hadley, noticing what happens when they put their phones in the box.

(00:53):

And this is why, as we want our kids to see what we're doing and when we are aligned on something together, there's nothing more powerful in a family when we do that. So you're going to hear that from the McIntyre. So send this to your partner, send this to your spouse so they can hear the story as well. There's a story that Abby tells in the middle of this. She talks about the first night that she spent with her phone in the Aro box, and it had been a long time, maybe if ever, that she had ever spent away from her phone at night. And her response to that experience is going to shock you. You won't believe what happens next. And yes, I did just clickbait you by the way, that was clickbait. I get it. You're not going to believe what happens next, but you're really not.

(01:34):

It really shocked me. I was very, very surprised on her response. And then we dug into why she responded that way, and that's really, really fascinating. I think in these voices of RO episodes, one reason I love them so much is because it gives us this opportunity to be seen. I've noticed when we're talking to people, people will say things like, I was resenting my kids. They're saying things that is a little bit surprising to hear somebody say out loud, but here's what we hear from people is, oh, I can relate to that. I didn't know that other people felt resentful towards their kids because I was on my phone so much. Or, Hey, I didn't know that other people were feeling this way. I didn't. Gosh, hearing her say that, put that into words. And Abby says a few things, you'll hear her put into words where you're going to think, oh gosh, I feel that too.

(02:19):

I can relate to that. So I think the thing I love about these is our opportunity to feel seen. Now what they've done as well, they felt tension around this. They took action and they tell the story on what happened on the other side, and that gives courage. So I hope in hearing this, I hope you feel courage to take your next step. And if Aro could be part of that, we would love to be part of that. We do know, and Brian talks about why ARO is such a powerful tool. We would love for you to take your next step with ro. So we'd love for you to go to the website. Just go to go ro.com, learn more about what's happening at ro, follow us on Instagram at @goaronow, and depending on when you're listening to this, Aro might just be available in app-only form. So just go ahead and take a risk. Just go download the Aro app. Go search Aro in the app store or the Google Play Store. Go download the Aro app, see what it's like to experience the Aro app and see what it can do in your life. For now, just sit back, relax, enjoy this delightful conversation with my friends Abby and Brian McIntyre.

(03:25):

Gang, I want you to welcome to Voices of Aro two people that I already love. We're having fun already. We're having a good time. I got Abby and Brian McIntyre joining us, and this is our first, actually, this is the first on two fronts. This is my first podcast in glasses, by the way, contacts kind of heard me today. And secondly, this is our first couples podcast on voices of ours. So this is really, really fun. This is husband, wife, A lot of times it's one of the other. So Abby, Brian, it's so good to see you. Thank you so much for joining us here on the RO podcast. We're

Abby McIntyre (03:57):

Excited to be here. So

Joey Odom (03:59):

You got three littles, you got six, two and a half, one and a half. You are in the thick of things. And in the middle of that you're feeling a tension, right? You felt a tension around technology and around phones. Will you tell us a little bit about what that tension was like and why you said, Hey, something's got to change here.

Brian McIntyre (04:18):

I think it took a few years to appear because we have our 6-year-old, and it was just her for a while. Nearly four years. We had a lot of struggles getting pregnant with our second, and all of a sudden there were three. And then right around the time the 6-year-old got very inquisitive and practically a grownup. It feels like the other two started catching on pretty quickly, which tends to happen. And it drew attention to a lot of things. But in this context, it drew a lot of attention to our phone usage. I feel like it kind of came up quick.

Abby McIntyre (04:58):

We are, in general, we would describe ourselves as a low tech, low screen family. Our toddler, our now 6-year-old, didn't watch any TV at all until she was two, and really barely, maybe once a month now is a special treat. And we felt this juxtaposition between you're not allowed to have any screens whatsoever, but look, my phone's right here. I live with this thing right here practically attached to me. And so it just became almost hypocritical. It was hard for us to deny the hypocrisy there that we're allowed to be on our phones for a zillion unadulterated hours a day, but the kids aren't allowed to have screens.

Joey Odom (05:40):

So that's some self-awareness you just described because what we hear a lot and which is totally true, is that while I'm using my phone for things that are important, I need it. It's not like you're just sitting there watching blues clues or what are the kids watching? Whatever they're watching today. It's not like you're watching that stuff on your phone. You may, but you're doing things that are important. So what was it about that where you felt like, no, you're actually right, just referring to your 6-year-old, Hey, you're right. I am kind of being a hypocrite. So what was that feeling where you said, actually this is not healthy

Brian McIntyre (06:09):

For me. It wasn't just in the last month, maybe or two and a half year old has started saying, and she's very direct and intense, and she just comes up to us now comes up to me at least she says, daddy, no, look at your phone. Look at me.

Abby McIntyre (06:24):

Look at

Brian McIntyre (06:24):

Me. Not always sometimes. And when I heard that it was like a knife to the chest. And I would say probably at least my screen time isn't obscene, but it's enough to have caught her attention.

Joey Odom (06:37):

Yes, Abby. Abby, I'm curious, whenever you decided, hey, it actually is time to do something about it, what was that maybe the compelling why behind it or where you said, no, I want to take the next step beyond just hoping I get better or beyond just trying to do a little bit better. You took a very definitive step. You're paying money to help you reduce your screen time, so that's a pretty big step. So what was it, why were you driven to that point of saying it's time that we actually do something really, really compelling about this?

Abby McIntyre (07:05):

I think we talk a lot about health and wellness, and I've had, like Brian said, I had two babies in two years. And so those two kind of came in quick succession. And so it was really easy for me to say, I need to get healthy. I need to get physically back in shape. I need to eat healthier foods. And I think when we have a more holistic mindset, you really do pay attention to all of the things that could be affecting your sleep, your wellbeing. And for me, sleep was a really, really huge thing. And so when we initially decided to do RO and to take the plunge, I think I had just felt that I had truly been addicted to my phone forever. We were chatting before we started recording, I went to boarding school, and so I had to have a phone I was distant from, I was six hours away from my parents.

(07:53):

I had to have a phone, and I have slept with a phone by my bed every single night from when I was 13 years old because that's how old I was when I went to boarding school. So when we finally got our box, I got extremely nervous, but I told Brian that a goal that I had was to put our phones in the box every single night for Lent. That was our 40 days. We were going to put our phones in the box. And I'll be honest, the first night I cried, it felt really emotional for me to not sleep with it beside my bed. I'm used to scrolling on Twitter or I am not even ashamed to say I enjoy TikTok as a grownup. And it was really emotional and hard for me to rip that bandaid. But what we found in that 40 days was better quality sleep, better connection with one another. We had conversations before bed that we wouldn't previously have been having because we each would've been on our own singular devices. And for me, that was the impetus to realize the conversations I was missing with my kids during the day. If I'm having the ability to have these conversations at nighttime with my husband after bed, what could happen in my relationships with my kids now if I put it away during the day as well?

Joey Odom (09:13):

Wow. I am curious. I want to go back to the crying, being away from your phone. That's a really interesting thing and I want to make sure that I understand that it was deeper than just not being able to scroll Twitter, right? Yeah. So what do you think it was? Do you think that really deep thing about that, was it a little bit of pride in yourself or was it a separation anxiety? What do you think the core of that was?

Abby McIntyre (09:41):

I think separation anxiety is fair, but I think truthfully, so I'm 33. Like I said, I've had my phone attached to me since I was 13, so that's 20 years. That's two thirds of my life. It has helped me avoid thoughts. If there are anxious or negative thoughts, I can just scroll on Twitter and laugh at somebody else's joke and not feel my feelings, which sounds really silly, but I think that was what was so big for me about putting it in the phone at night, specifically during the day, there are things I could do. I'm a homemaker, I can tidy, I can do a load of laundry if I feel anxious and want to distract myself, but at night, pretty much the phone. And so it was choosing to sit with my thoughts as opposed to avoiding them. That made me feel emotional, putting it in the box at night.

Joey Odom (10:34):

You're describing a very high level of self-awareness that I think as people maybe reflect people who are listening right now. Just reflecting on that, how often are we really, I mean, it's true. How often are we really left to our own thoughts to actually process the things we're going through? You're as a mom, stay at home mom, you're going through a lot during the day with some littles. Am I doing this thing right? Am I being a good mom? Am I being a good spouse? Am I being a good friend? All the things that we go through in just life, and you have a moment to think about that. So I love that self-awareness. Brian, I have a question for you. I've never been to your home, but I am going to assume that you have other boxes that are beyond the RO box and drawers where you could have put your phone this whole time and you could have put your phone in a box. So why do you think it took something like this, another box, A box that lives in your home, an app? Why do you think this was something that enabled you to do something that you actually could have done all the way up to that point?

Brian McIntyre (11:34):

Sometimes we need something really external to ourselves to break into your physically, emotionally, aesthetically, experientially. It feels good to put it in the box, not just because you're doing the right thing. The little door closes on and it's like an aesthetic experience. It's not just like a shoebox. It's not a shoebox or an empty Amazon box. There's an intentionality to it, and I can tell a thoughtfulness of design behind it. It's satisfying, it's meaningful, and frankly, it accomplishes what you want it to period.

Abby McIntyre (12:15):

I have to be honest, you mentioned that we are the first couple to do this together, and I think for me, something that has been really fun is that I'm kind of competitive so we can see each other's hours, how many hours we spent in the box, and I really enjoyed that aspect. And the app also has competitions where if you do it for 30 days, you get entered into whatever thing. Those things are very externally validating and driving for me. So being able to lightheartedly compete with my husband has been fun in that.

Brian McIntyre (12:53):

I think it's also important to acknowledge that our willpower is limited despite what people out there are trying to say in culture. Our willpower is in fact finite, and it is not. We shouldn't be embarrassed to say that we sometimes need external motivation to do things or to begin things or to create new habits.

Joey Odom (13:15):

It's so true. I think James Clear says it in Atomic Habits, that environment is always stronger than willpower, and you're so right. If we're just trying to conjure up all this in some ways unnecessary willpower, right? I mean, why would you need to conjure this up? It's almost like when you put your phone down, then you don't have to worry about it anymore. So I love that. Such a great point. I'm curious, as we're closing here, a question about your kids. Have your kids noticed? Do they know what the box is? They noticed that you're maybe on your phone a little bit less. What has been the response from your kids?

Abby McIntyre (13:46):

Hadley, our 6-year-old gets excited when she sees that I've put my phone in the box. Our babies are a little too young to really understand what it is or that I'm choosing to be intentional with my time with them. But especially I've noticed that Hadley, our babies nap at the same time, so we call it simul nap. So when we have simul app, if I go put my phone in the box that signals to Hadley, mommy's ready to hang, we're going to spend some quality time together. And she put her phone in the box with the intention of spending real legitimate time with me. And so she definitely knows and gets excited when the phones go, it sucks. She's very aware of that.

Brian McIntyre (14:25):

She actually participates. Sometimes. She does. Here's the closest thing I think we have to an anecdote is that probably, I don't know when it started, maybe two years ago. Yeah, probably. I don't think it's nearby, but one of these little Roomba remotes type of remotes that's from an old one that's broken, and she started tooling around the house with it. And look, I'm on my phone and it's innocent. I think she just to imitate mom and dad. But then you remember she's imitating mom and dad. Right? Exactly. And that's something that definitely called our attention to this is now a presence in our home. And even if we didn't wrestle with it right away, we did notice it with that. But now the funny thing is she'll put her little remote in the box with us too. It's cute, it's wholesome, and it shows that, I think the thing about whether it's technology, phones, what have you, our kids hear us say a billion words a day to them, and it's going in one ear out the other, most of it. And that's just true, and that's life. It's our actions that really speak. And so to see her join in on the action shows me that she's seeing us model different behavior and that will be meaningful to her in the long run as hopefully she develops good habits with these things.

Joey Odom (15:40):

Wow. I got my money on Hadley, I'll tell you that. That is amazing. Yeah. Gosh, thank you two very, very much. This is encouraging. I really do think, what an opportunity for you to bestow courage on somebody who can see themselves in the story and knowing that there was some struggle there, knowing that you had a compelling why behind it, that you took action. And that doesn't mean it was easy. It was definitely hard. It was tear filled, literally, to take such a bold step and then seeing the other side of it and knowing that she is mimicking that, what a beautiful thing. So thank you two very, very much for joining us. Very grateful for you.

Brian McIntyre (16:20):

Thanks so much for having us. Appreciate it.

Joey Odom (16:23):

Hey, thank you for joining us on Voices of Aro. Hey, if you're an Aro member and you would like to be part of Voices of ro, just shoot us an email at stories@goro.com. If you are not yet an RO member and you want to learn more, go to our website, go ro.com or follow us on Instagram at goro now. Lastly, if you would do me an enormous favor, will you please leave us a five star rating wherever you listen to podcasts. Thank you so much for joining us on Voices of ro. We can't wait to see you next time on Voices of Aro or the Aro podcast. The Aro podcast is produced and edited by the team at Palm Tree Podcast. Special thanks to Emily Miles and Caitlyn Kring for media and digital support and to executive producers Anthony Palmer of Palme Poco and the Prince of the Low Country Tides himself. Rich Donnellan.

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